Editor's Note: This is the first of a four-part series by Kylee Dalmata about the choices faced by young women who find themselves pregnant before they are ready for the challenges of motherhood.

Staci's Choice:

A teenager faces the decision of what to do with a child she can't have

By Kylee Dalmata
Norwich Guidon Staff Writer

Staci fought with herself as she waited for someone to pick up the other end of the phone. She was trying to find some way to explain the chaos that was raging through her head and her body.

Staci, a Norwich student who asked that her real name not be used, had been really sick after one drink, something that was very unusual. Reasonably, she wanted to know why, but the answer had been one she had not expected.

"I was battling with my own ideals about what good students, good kids do," she said. "I kept thinking, 'good kids don't get knocked up.' I had always been one of the good kids, but here I was, knocked up."

Staci was 17 years old, in the top five percent of her high school class and trying to get into college. She found herself on terrifying grounds, facing a choice she never wanted to make: between having a baby, giving it up for adoption, or having an abortion.

What had happened was contrary to everything Staci said she felt about her future as a mother.

"In all my images of the future and having children, I didn't want to be a bad parent, and I was deathly afraid that I would be to this child," said Staci. "I had two of the best parents any one person could have, and I have always wanted to be as good if not better of a parent to my child."

What made the situation even more difficult according to Staci, was the state of her relationship with the father.

"I was very open and trusting of people," Staci said. However, she was in a relationship with an older man who had cheated on her, and finding herself pregnant now was terrifying to her.

"I was trying to be responsible for my actions," said Staci. "I had been on the pill for two weeks when it happened. It was just about the time I was told it was safe to stop using other protection; I was ovulating, and it was just too soon for me, I guess."

The experience managed to bring Staci and her then-boyfriend closer together briefly as a couple.

"When I called and told him, there was stunned silence," Staci said. "He asked me how, and I told him; he said, 'What do you want to do? I'll do whatever you want me to do.'"

"I told him I can't be pregnant," she said with a worried laugh. "I can't be pregnant or have a baby right now."

Reflecting on the situation, Staci said that she's never had to face the same choice since. "I'd rather die than go through that again," Staci said. "Every time I think about it, I wonder if it was the right decision; maybe if I'd been older, or if the relationship had been secure, maybe then it might have been a different decision."

While she was faced with a difficult choice, Staci felt she was fortunate to not have the pressure that she saw other girls in similar situations dealing with.

"The ball was in my court; it always was," said Staci. "I wasn't brought up to believe that at the moment of conception there was this living baby inside of you. My mother always let me make the decision of what I believed on my own."

This ability to decide for herself what she felt about conception, human life, and abortion give her a different perspective on her own decisions, said Staci, who thinks that societal pressure and parental pressure are what cause women to have traumatic experiences with abortion.

"Not having that rigid structure of thinking imposed on me really helped. I have seen women with that sort of background, and while I was conflicted, they were torn apart."

Abortion is not a religious issue for Staci, who, though not brought up in a religious household, still had an emphasis on morality and ethics in her upbringing. "[My mother] always focused the moral and ethical part of my upbringing on consequences," said Staci.

"She sat me down and said like anything else you do from now on, know the consequences beforehand. If you drink, don't drive, if you have sex, use protection, and be with someone you love. Otherwise it will hurt you."

It was from this background that Staci made her decision. She also sought counseling.

"I saw the home pregnancy test show positive, and I called up Planned Parenthood and told them I was seriously considering an abortion," she said. The nurse and Planned Parenthood scheduled an appointment for counseling.

"The people who say Planned Parenthood pushes girls to have an abortion are full of it. They did everything they could to show me all the options," Staci said, adding that the doctor she spoke with there tried to ensure that "no one was pressuring or scaring me into it."

"They presented all the options and asked which was the one you would least likely do," she said. "Having a child at this point in my life was the worst of my options."

"I wasn't ready to be a parent," Staci admitted. "That was my primary concern; it would be a disservice to the child."

She was forced, at that point, to consider the consequences of her actions.

"To have it and give it up would destroy my life, and I think it is far more emotionally scarring on everyone involved to be an unwanted child or to not know your birth mother," she said. "It would have had to be a closed adoption; I could not watch someone else raise my child."

Staci said that being pregnant was one of the hardest things she has ever been through.

"I was miserable. I had never known conflict or emotional distress like that before in my life," Staci admits. "I was trying to figure out what was going on with my relationship, with me, with my body."

"I had terrible morning sickness and put on a lot of weight," she said. "I had only a few friends to turn to; they were my support line."

"The decision for me was easier, because I'd done a lot of thinking beforehand. [Before I became sexually active] I sat down and thought about all my options in life," said Staci. "Each time I faced an obstacle I looked at the decisions I had made and checked to see if it fit. The original ideas still fit."

Staci also had to make the difficult decision not to inform her parents.

"I knew my parents would support me [if I chose to keep the child.] I knew our relationship was strong enough that no matter what happened they would support me, but I didn't want to complicate my relationship in that way," Staci said.

She was also afraid that they would be disappointed in her. "I didn't want them to think everything they had tried to teach me had fallen on deaf ears. I really had tried to protect myself."

"I was terrified, not that they would find out, but that they would think less of me for it." Staci admitted. She said she would try to hide how she was feeling.

"I cried almost every day, in secret. I didn't want to be a complete basket case for fear that someone would pin me down and ask what was wrong."

"There are moments after that I really wanted to talk to my mother about it, when I was finally comfortable with it. I don't like to keep things from my parents; it was difficult. But I thought, would it hurt them more to know?"

Also at issue was her life. Staci was trying to deal with the magnitude of creating a life that might destroy her own.

"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about what this would do to my life. I mean, I was trying to finish school, and I had a shot at some good colleges. That would all end if they knew I was pregnant," she said. "I was constantly judging myself, hoping in the long run I was doing the right thing."

In addition to worrying about her mental and physical health, her relationship with friends and family, she also had her boyfriend to consider, even though their relationship was failing.

"I worried about him, too. He was a long way away, and I wondered what kind of support he had," said Staci. "He hadn't been very trustworthy in the past, but he turned into a very responsible person regarding this. He called every night, wired money, and made sure his friends here looked after me."

In the aftermath, Staci was relieved to feel that she had made the right choice for herself.

"I regret having to make the decision, but I don't regret the decision I made," she said. "When it was over, there was intense relief. It makes you feel sick and twisted because you just had an abortion, but this huge weight is lifted."

Staci said she did not have any severe physical or mental side effects from the procedure.

In the years that have followed, Staci said she has managed to put the ordeal behind her.

"There are momentary lapses when I think about it, what it felt like, but for the most part it was successfully put behind me," she said. "If you make the decision, it has to be yours; you can't be pushed or pulled by religious beliefs, your parents, or the guy's feelings about it."

Staci feels ambivalent about sharing this part of her past with new friends and her family because she is afraid she would be judged unfavorably for it. "It's a part of my past I would like to let die with the past, but I'm not ready to be a parent at now; I certainly wasn't at 17."

Though these issues have stayed in the past for her, Staci said that the experience has changed how she values relationships and how quickly she puts faith in them.

"Staying with the relationship after I knew he had cheated was wrong, but at least I made the more important of the two decisions correctly," Staci said. "I have learned to judge [the people I date] by this."

While Staci has chosen not to share this part of her past with anyone she has dated since, she said that she would not date someone whom she felt she could not speak to about this.

"I won't stay with someone if I would not feel comfortable telling them this about myself," she said. "I am a much more moderate person, much more tolerant."

She also said that this experience has changed how she feels about all serious, personal issues, and reinforced how she feels about abortion. Staci is still strongly pro-choice.

"No one can make up their mind unless they have been there. It would be arrogant of anyone to think they have ever come close to being in my shoes; it would be arrogant of me to think that I could put myself in the shoes of someone else."

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